I was drafting an entry about Drew. After all he’s 5 now, lol. And it got me thinking about life, children … pretty much everything. When I started putting out my thoughts… about how smart he is and what a pleasant joy he is overall …”on paper” so to speak… I saw something that made me feel guilty. I typed… (and I erased it out of that entry and chose to put it here so I can talk about it and what’s under it.)

“At 35, I am now so emotionally and physically tired with parenting. Especially the parenting of my 14 yr old. And Drew is my breeze of fresh air, that lifts me up and reminds me that all of my effort was worth it. He is the star that shines in the dark to guide me and lead me through when I have had a horrible day and I wonder why I am doing all of this? Why am I working so hard? He is my reward for working that hard.. over the last 18 years … to be a good parent to my children.”

And I when I re-read that part I felt guilty because I want to feel that about my youngest daughter too. And the sad part is … I don’t. I feel as if in many ways I have failed with her. I feel lost and frustrated. I feel fed up and angry. I don’t know what went wrong or where it all seemed to fall apart with Nikki… But I feel like it has. She and I rarely get along for more then 10 minutes without some issue popping up. I have no tolerance left for her “freak-outs.” Nikki has become a miserable person to be around. She’s rarely positive about anything, She’s always anticipating the negative and flipping out over it before it even happens. And Nikki is constantly yelling, bulling and parenting her brother. Even in spite of me telling her over and over to mind her own business and leave him alone. “He has a mother. Why not let me handle him?”, I tell her.

I also feel guilty for wanting them all to go away. Some of them more than others. I feel like I only exist to take care of all of them. I feel like every moment of every day that I spend around them is all about them and that I do not matter. The only time I get a moment for myself is after midnight when they’re all in bed. I have to sacrifice precious sleep in order to read, or listen to some music, or watch a 1 hr-tv show in 1 hr…or to blog.

If I am awake or home from work when everyone else is that time is consumed with constant fighting and demands from all of them for me to solve tha problem. Either the kids are fighting with each other…or with me… or with their dad. And someone is always asking me to do something for them. It’s never-ending. It’s exhausting. If I ask for 10 minutes to myself they all say, “ok” but within the first minute and a half they’re coming to me again. I can’t even use the bathroom or take a shower without at least 3 interruptions. That makes me feel as if I do not matter to them. My wants, wishes, hopes, dreams and feelings are non-existent and most of all… not important … to all of them.

And I feel guilty for all of these feelings because I am the mom. I am supposed to be able to handle it. I am supposed to be willing to walk through that stress of life… with a smile on my face … asking for more. It’s not right that I am tired and fed up. It’s not right that I want to send my 14 yr old away because I am tired of trying and having nothing work. It’s not right for me to have “favorites”.

::: sigh ::: The guilt and confusion Ugh!

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He’s so handsome!!

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Five years ago today I was sitting at home glad to be free from the constant prodding of the hospital. I didn’t have the best experience when I delivered Andrew. I found that hospital experience to be lacking and frustrating. When he was first born the doctors and nurses did their thing and then handed me my new son and just left me. I was still experiencing the effects of my epidural and was numb from the waist down. I was slipping off the bed and was struggling to hold my new baby and readjust at the same time. I didn’t understand where they all went or why they had left. I was still a mess and so was Drew, lol. Finally after about 15 minutes I pushed my call button and was informed that everyone left so I could have some “bonding” time. LOL Oh, ok.

I then asked for them to take Drew and clean him up…as well as requesting someone to come help get me all cleaned up as well. Oh and could someone help me sit up? Since I can’t feel my legs and all, lol.

Later the nurses didn’t listen when I had questions about why the baby wasn’t eating. He wouldn’t latch on correctly and had no interest at all to nurse. For many hours they just keep nagging at me that I needed to get him to eat. I kept telling them that I was trying and he wouldn’t. I told them over and over that something was wrong. Finally 12 hours after he was born someone finally listened and it was discovered he had over 6cc’s of mucus in his stomach and that’s why he wouldn’t eat. ::: Sigh ::: After that he wouldn’t latch on at all. Frustrated and tired I switched to bottle feeding and he began to eat and act normally.

We were moved to a new room a while after that because the floor was full. Which as it turned out I shared with a woman who just lost her baby. I couldn’t believe that they would place her in the same room with a new mom. I thought it was disrespectful to her feelings. I was uncomfortable being around her with my healthy child when it was obvious she was hurting from her loss. So when the hospital asked if I wanted to stay an extra day I quickly declined and headed for home. After all of that, I was very relieved to be home with my baby, away from the insanity of the hospital.

So there I was holding my beautiful new child. My son. I was so overwhelmed with feelings. They say having children becomes “old hat” after your second child. But I disagree. With each of my kids it was amazing and awesome and completely different.

He was so small and so perfect. And I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to be all that he would need me to be. I mean I was 30 after all. Much older then I was when I had his sisters. Would that age be a benefit to me in this new adventure? Or a negative? Was I too old to start over? I was so surprised to see just how unsure and scared I really was. But as it turns out those fears were silly and unnecessary.

Andrew turned 5 years old 3 days ago. And ya know what?? He is still so perfect. I can’t believe how fast this time has gone by. It shouldn’t surprise me since he has older sisters. It’s not like he was my only child. But it still crept up on me silently. And I feel so awed and blessed with how he’s growing up. He is such a happy, well-rounded and well adjusted kid. And he’s so smart. With each new day he blows me away with all the new things he’s learned how to do. Just yesterday he was telling me how to spell several words from memory (i.e new, cat, shoe & car) and he was also doing simple math too!! “Mom, 5 plus 2 is 7″ He can add almost any combination of numbers from 1 to 10… In his head…. pretty quickly. He knows his address, how to spell his first name (both Andrew and Drew). He’s smarter on his computer then most grown adults I know. He loves to read books and can be seen since on his bed or the couch reading at least a few times a week.

Just last week I went to his parent-teacher conference for preschool and his teachers had nothing but wonderful things to tell me. They raved about how smart he is and what a pleasure he is to have in class. He is right in line when he should be and in many areas he’s excelling beyond.

I know many parents are experiencing this with their children too. But for me there is a secondary element to why his successes in life mean so much more to me. My youngest daughter, Nikki, hasn’t be as lucky in life. Learning for her has been a constant struggle because of her disability. She likes to read as well and she’s doing well in school too… finally. This last 2 years have finally seen her succeeding in her academics. Behaviorally we are still struggling with her. But because of the fight with her and for her over the last 14 years… Andrew’s successes are that much sweeter for me. It’s so nice to see him happy, healthy and succeeding in school…without the endless battles I have become so accustomed to over the years.

Happy Birthday… My Perfect Little Boy!! I couldn’t imagine a single second of my life without you in it. I am so grateful and blessed that I am your mom. There isn’t a day that goes by that you don’t make me laugh at least a dozen times. I have loved and cherished every second of the last 5 years… even the bad moments. Even when you’re acting out. Even when you’ve made me angry. I wouldn’t trade or give back one single second. I love you little one and I am looking forward to all of the seconds that are yet to come.

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I purchased a new cellphone. After months and months of being undecided I found one that I liked enough to buy. I am so picky, lol. And yet I am not really. I just can’t talk myself into spending large sums of money without being absolutely sure that I want what I am buying.

I finally decided on T-mobiles G1. And I LOVE it!!! The new Android OS on it is awesome. It runs super well. I am now very addicted, hehe. I wanted a messaging phone and this one is perfect. The Touch screen is so awesome… it’s my first time with this feature on a phone. The texting and IM’in on this phone is flawless. And the dialer interface works so smoothly. I love the voice dialing too. And the Internet on it runs great too. I love how I can adjust the size of the browser screen too. It’s a real browser too… with pictures, links, and all. Unlike The Sidekick and Blackberry browsers.

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It’s November and I have only made . . . What? 3, maybe 4 entries? Guess I won’t be nominated for blogger of the month. Well I can’t commit to a post a day now, can I?? Oh well. ::: sigh ::: I’ll try to blog more but time is limited for me since I went back to work. I work afternoons and while that’s great because I don’t have to get up at the crack of dawn for work… it sucks in the “getting things done in your life” department. I don’t get home till 12:30 -1am usually and then sometimes I can’t sleep right away and M-F I have Drew and Tori in the mornings… so I usually don’t move past the babies and the couch till 11 am-ish. And by then there is usually a bunch of things for me to do before work at 4pm.

I know… I know… waaa waa waaa, right?! Honestly I am not really complaining just stating that I haven’t found a rhythm yet for fitting in everything I used to do in a day. I am going to make a strong effort to blog more though… starting now.

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Drew still adores her…

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More on my Flickr.

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