Well they placed Ashley on some meds and her blood pressure is responding. It’s finally dropped to “almost” normal. Yippee!!! As for Tori they won’t be testing her “billy” levels again to see if the jaundice is gone until 4am this morning. Cross your fingers for my babies!!!

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Drew has a bank. It’s not a large one, maybe about the size of a coffee can, but it’s filled to the max, lol. And recently he had some singles in there as well. I know because I put them in there. His bank has been sitting on our stereo cabinet the last few days and this morning I noticed he has NO singles in there at all. Someone took money from his bank!!!!! And there are only 2 people in this house who I suspect might have done it. I am very angry!

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Isn’t He Adorable?! Yeah, I am biased.

And I didn’t cry… lol

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That’s tomorrow. At 12:30pm sharp Drew will officially be in school.

I wish I could be a fly on the wall so I could watch him on his first day. I would love to be there with him for this experience…but I don’t want my presence to taint it. ::: sigh ::: Too bad his school doesn’t have the one-way mirrors, lol.

I am doing my best but I am certain that the small fraction of sadness will rear it’s ugly head at some point and I am going to cry.

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ok so I posted that really long post about how I felt with my mom and my girls always being upset with one another…. after tonight’s failed dinner attempt. I mean we had dinner… but my mom still got into a fight with Dani and left in under 2 hours. I’d say that was a failure. And then I finally logged into my email only to discover a screwed email form my mom.

In short the email was asking me… What is going on? And am I trying to tell her I do not want her in my life? That she knows I have a lot on my plate but that she was hoping to have a good relationship with Drew and thought she had one with me.

What??!! That made abso-fucking-lutly NO god damn sense!!!

So..She got into a petty argument with my 15 year old daughter and some how that is my fault. And some how that sent her a message that *I* didn’t want her in my life??? I don’t see how any of the drama this evening had anything to do with me. I wasn’t even there when her and Dani started fighting and when I found out I went and told Dani to applogize. Which my mother then threw in her face. So I don’t know why I bothered.

I just replied a very honest but not nice reply to her and I am sure she’ll find a way to twist it and make herself the poor victim in this whole ordeal.

So this is what you get for inviting family to dinner?? No wonder I hate cooking!!!!

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Cesar is here at home…safe and sound. I have no idea where he was hiding but it seems that he was indeed hiding. He just came strolling into the kitchen… looking at us like we’re all insane…. wondering what all the fuss was about.

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…I Swear!

I noticed that for the last 3 years I have had at least 40+ entries for August…but this year…not so much, lol. I promise this isn’t going to be the normal. I haven’t been the best blogger over the last few months. Probably in part to that fact that I have been having a very bad time with my illness lately. I have been hiding the mother load of it rather well; but the people who know me best know that something isn’t quite right with me these days. I am off and not quite myself. I am easily angered, easily made to cry and set to be withdrawn. I have been keeping pretty secluded for the most part. I have been scared that too much exposure to the outside world will break down my mental cage and set my demons free. I don’t want to emotionally hurt my friends and family with those demons so I have been keeping a healthy distance.

And partly due too the fact that I have been finding it difficult to write. I am a mixture of conflict. One one hand I have had more then enough material to write about. I mean besides random daily stuff there’s been several big ticket topics like…

* Ashley getting pregnant & the 8 months since that have followed, lol.
* My Grand baby…that will be here very soon.
* Caleb & His Family… which honestly give me enough topics for a whole other blog!!! LOL!!!
* My Mom’s Fall
* My Mom being sick
* Graduations
* Summer
* Birthday’s/Parties
* The Girls and their various dramas… I.E. Having sex…growing older…and so on.
* Drew and the million things a day he does to make me smile, laugh and be amazed.
* Financial Woes & My frustration that we can never seem to stay ahead for more then 6 months.
* Why I feel Like a Loser as a Wife…Mother…and a Person.

So Yeah I have had some decent things to talk about. And I have been very conflicted emotionally about many of these topics. But when I sit down to write I am at a loss for where to start. And then I get into to the worrying. I don’t want to offend people.. my loved ones… with my thoughts and feelings. I mean they know about my illness and they know writing is the best method of therepy for me. But that doesn’t stop the looks, or the attitude or the coments or the judgements. Sometimes no matter how I premise it….no matter how many times in a post I say..”This is just me being emotional or this is just me venting.”…Someone takes offense or gets their feelings hurt. So I sit conflicted.

I could password protect the entries I find…”If-y” But honestly, right now, I think that would be…most of them, lol. And then I feel conflicted about that even. I mean if all I was gonna do is password protect my entries… then technically… a word document saved on my hard drive would work as my blog/journal. But I have this online blog because it helps me work through the feelings. Not only by writing them out but because it gives me the illusion that I am speaking to someone and that I am being heard. So putting a password on the bulk of them isn’t going to work for me. It will just serve to make me resentful.

And I realize I have had this inner battle before and I have posted about it before as well. I guess I have never really come to a conclusion that really resolved my problem. I gave up on the idea of moving my blog and making it anonymous some times ago. I guess when it comes right down to it I have to be brutal with myself. I have to force myself to put my health first and foremost and my apprehension or guilt of offending anyone on the back burner. I have to make myself trust that my loved ones will understand and respect my need to get my emotions off my chest. That they will realize I am not trying to offend them…that’s why I am talking about my feelings here….rather then to them.

But that’s all easier said then done. I am such a wuss, lol. I have always been more of a people pleaser. I dislike conflict and avoid rocking the boat when I can. That has served me well in life but I can’t take the easy non-confrontational, non-rocking-the-boat method on this. I am going to have to do what helps me be healthy mentally. Because without writing I tend to keep everything all bottled up. And then it festers and stews and becomes something ugly and unrecognizable.

::: sigh ::: Please just know… my friends and family…online and off…I never mean to offend, I just need to work through my tangled mind.

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Have you, or anyone you know, ever had a 4D Ultrasound done? Ashley just recently did and it’s amazing. You can actually see more of a “picture” of your child in the womb. It’s like getting a sneak peek at a movie before it hits the theaters. We got to see some of Victoria’s features. Although she wasn’t really up for pictures and kept putting her hands and her foot in her face. But it was a great experiance and we loved “seeing” her.

This was the best one I think and it shows her smiling.

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