Well I haven’t blogged in about 20 days and my posts for November were, well…very few, lol. I am sorry that my blogging has petered out but I am just so tired and busy. Blogging rarely crosses my mind these days and when it does I am usually too busy to do it.

At this point my life consists of working afternoons and doing what I can to squeeze in my family and friends around that schedule. From 4pm till midnight I’m stuck at work. Sometimes I hate it because I miss so much of my kid’s lives and I only see my husband on the weekends or on my day off. When he leaves for work I am sleeping and when he returns home from work I’m already gone..and when I get home from work…he is sleeping. It’s not exactly a fun routine and it makes it hard for him and I to get time for… “us”

Working this schedule is hard on my body and mind. I’m tired much of the morning hours. And between 5 and 7 pm when I am off work I am fighting to not pass out in my chair. And then by 8pm my body kicks into work mode and I can’t fall asleep till midnight or 1 am. My normal routine?? Well, during the day I relax on the couch, play with Drew, care for my granddaughter and get ready for work that evening. If I find a burst of energy you may find me cleaning something, lol. For instance… yesterday I fixed my closet, cleaned my room, did laundry, and cleaned Drew’s room.

I always feel like I am running out time these days to get stuff done. I tend to have a lot of running around to do before work on most days…So basically when I am off work, I frequently hide in my house. I don’t mean to be a recluse but I am tired and I miss my family. And I want a day or two of not running around. Of not being bound to a time schedule. And honestly all I really want to do is hang out with Rick, talk with my kids, watch some tv and relax. So I usually avoid the outside world on my days off and sadly that does include this blog too.

I don’t know when I’ll blog again. I hope that my interest and drive to write returns…but I just don’t know.

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It’s November and I have only made . . . What? 3, maybe 4 entries? Guess I won’t be nominated for blogger of the month. Well I can’t commit to a post a day now, can I?? Oh well. ::: sigh ::: I’ll try to blog more but time is limited for me since I went back to work. I work afternoons and while that’s great because I don’t have to get up at the crack of dawn for work… it sucks in the “getting things done in your life” department. I don’t get home till 12:30 -1am usually and then sometimes I can’t sleep right away and M-F I have Drew and Tori in the mornings… so I usually don’t move past the babies and the couch till 11 am-ish. And by then there is usually a bunch of things for me to do before work at 4pm.

I know… I know… waaa waa waaa, right?! Honestly I am not really complaining just stating that I haven’t found a rhythm yet for fitting in everything I used to do in a day. I am going to make a strong effort to blog more though… starting now.

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I can’t believe Friday is Halloween. I mean where the hell did October go?? Would someone let me know who hit the fast forward on me?? I started working exactly 1 month ago (September 26th) and in that short time span my life has zoomed by. Not all of the fast forwarding put me in a crunch though. Some good stuff is going on too. For Instance….

- Dani got her report card and it boasted 5 B’s and 1 A. I am so proud of Dani and impressed to that she’s doing such a good job maintaining her grades. High school is hard and I expected her to struggle a bit more…simply because Dani tends to slack a bit and then go… “Opps this is harder then I thought.” But she’s doing Fantastic!!!

- Nikki passed her ASAT/Iowa Testing within average standards so her teachers recommended placing her in a Gen Ed Science Class. Now she’s in 4 General ed classes and 4 Special Ed classes. That 4 more General Ed classes then she had last year, lol. She’s coping exceptionally well in school. No outbursts or behavior problems at all!!! I am so proud of her!

- Andrew is doing GREAT in school too. His teachers came over for what they call a, “Home visit”, last week and they had nothing but good things to report. I was worried he have trouble in the socialization department since he doesn’t have a ton of other kids his own age to play with. But it turns out my fears were unjustified. He’s doing fabulous!!

- Ashley is adjusting very well to being a full-time mom, a full-time student and being back at work. I am amazed at just how well she’s doing it all. Sure there are times you can see things slip but, over all, for being 18… she’s really doing very well. I just wish she would see her boyfriend and his family for who they really are.. and I wish she’d move on without them. She’s so much better then they are. And she deserves better then him.

- Last but certainly not least exciting…I might be getting a promotion and a raise soon!!! The rumor is that Tom… the assistant manager… plans on retiring soon… And my boss Barb, the manager…plans on promoting me to his position!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!! And I’ve only been there a month!!! I am so honored and in awe that they have that much faith in me. I mean I know I can do it…lol. But proving that to others is the challenge, lol And I haven’t even been trying to prove anything other then I am a good employee, lol. I show up to work on time… do a good job.. and follow the rules, lol. Also I am so excited to. I mean I am waiting patiently, without too much hoping, for Barb to confirm this rumor. I am pretty sure it’s real though…because she’s made several comments to me about…”Having plans for me.” and being so happy she hired me.. and so on, lol But it will still be so much better when it’s all finally said… ya know.

So see… there’s been a ton of good stuff going on. But I still feel as if I am running out of time to get the rest of my life in, lolol. I am sure thing will calm down soon and I’ll feel more at peace, lol But for now… someone must be holding down that fast forward button! lol.

In case I don’t make it back before Friday… Happy Halloween Everyone!!

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…I Swear!

I noticed that for the last 3 years I have had at least 40+ entries for August…but this year…not so much, lol. I promise this isn’t going to be the normal. I haven’t been the best blogger over the last few months. Probably in part to that fact that I have been having a very bad time with my illness lately. I have been hiding the mother load of it rather well; but the people who know me best know that something isn’t quite right with me these days. I am off and not quite myself. I am easily angered, easily made to cry and set to be withdrawn. I have been keeping pretty secluded for the most part. I have been scared that too much exposure to the outside world will break down my mental cage and set my demons free. I don’t want to emotionally hurt my friends and family with those demons so I have been keeping a healthy distance.

And partly due too the fact that I have been finding it difficult to write. I am a mixture of conflict. One one hand I have had more then enough material to write about. I mean besides random daily stuff there’s been several big ticket topics like…

* Ashley getting pregnant & the 8 months since that have followed, lol.
* My Grand baby…that will be here very soon.
* Caleb & His Family… which honestly give me enough topics for a whole other blog!!! LOL!!!
* My Mom’s Fall
* My Mom being sick
* Graduations
* Summer
* Birthday’s/Parties
* The Girls and their various dramas… I.E. Having sex…growing older…and so on.
* Drew and the million things a day he does to make me smile, laugh and be amazed.
* Financial Woes & My frustration that we can never seem to stay ahead for more then 6 months.
* Why I feel Like a Loser as a Wife…Mother…and a Person.

So Yeah I have had some decent things to talk about. And I have been very conflicted emotionally about many of these topics. But when I sit down to write I am at a loss for where to start. And then I get into to the worrying. I don’t want to offend people.. my loved ones… with my thoughts and feelings. I mean they know about my illness and they know writing is the best method of therepy for me. But that doesn’t stop the looks, or the attitude or the coments or the judgements. Sometimes no matter how I premise it….no matter how many times in a post I say..”This is just me being emotional or this is just me venting.”…Someone takes offense or gets their feelings hurt. So I sit conflicted.

I could password protect the entries I find…”If-y” But honestly, right now, I think that would be…most of them, lol. And then I feel conflicted about that even. I mean if all I was gonna do is password protect my entries… then technically… a word document saved on my hard drive would work as my blog/journal. But I have this online blog because it helps me work through the feelings. Not only by writing them out but because it gives me the illusion that I am speaking to someone and that I am being heard. So putting a password on the bulk of them isn’t going to work for me. It will just serve to make me resentful.

And I realize I have had this inner battle before and I have posted about it before as well. I guess I have never really come to a conclusion that really resolved my problem. I gave up on the idea of moving my blog and making it anonymous some times ago. I guess when it comes right down to it I have to be brutal with myself. I have to force myself to put my health first and foremost and my apprehension or guilt of offending anyone on the back burner. I have to make myself trust that my loved ones will understand and respect my need to get my emotions off my chest. That they will realize I am not trying to offend them…that’s why I am talking about my feelings here….rather then to them.

But that’s all easier said then done. I am such a wuss, lol. I have always been more of a people pleaser. I dislike conflict and avoid rocking the boat when I can. That has served me well in life but I can’t take the easy non-confrontational, non-rocking-the-boat method on this. I am going to have to do what helps me be healthy mentally. Because without writing I tend to keep everything all bottled up. And then it festers and stews and becomes something ugly and unrecognizable.

::: sigh ::: Please just know… my friends and family…online and off…I never mean to offend, I just need to work through my tangled mind.

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Ok so we all know I am a sucky blogger at times. I guess now is one of those times. Sorry all. I am just so busy and right now I have no energy or ambition to write. I think of at least a dozen things to blog about each day but have no follow through to get over here on the computer to do it. I think i’m in a funk right now. I am fighting it…but so far there is no winner.

we’re going camping, for the first time this year, next week… so hopefully I’ll have more to say then.

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… I am the captain of this group I think. Sorry for being away. Life is just crazy for me right now. I have had a lot going on. Some of it I am not going to talk about here. But I’ll try to be a better blogger in the future, lol.

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I was having a conversation today and during that conversation something came up that reminded me of an important fact. That fact was that almost my entire family reads my blog. Family from all sides even. I try very hard not to let that information censor me. Mostly because this is the only place I have to truly speak my mind and get it all out. It’s the only place for my irrational emotions. The only place I have to rant…rave… or complain about something I wouldn’t normally complain about… at least not to a person… the cat maybe… the wall maybe… and even the coffeepot… but never to a person, lol.

This has caused me some stress in the past. I used to battle over whether or not to start my blog over.. somewhere else and remain anonymous. But I love that my family and friends can also read all the good things going on in our lives. They can come here for pictures and updates on the kid’s lives. And for those reasons… I remain here.

I don’t have many secrets really so writing about my life here hasn’t normally been an issue. While I am sure there times where I might say some things my family doesn’t understand or even disagrees about…I think we have a mutual respect going on. And I am sure there have been times I might have hurt someone’s feelings. It’s not intentional and I try not to do it even unintentionally. But this is a form of my therapy after all. A method used to help me keep perspective in my everyday life. Anything risky to write about probably falls into my irrational, emotional, ranting type entries, lol Which thankfully aren’t a constant around here. Almost all of the family I have spoken to, when my blog has come up.. understands that they shouldn’t take what I say here to heart…at least not the majority of my ranting, lol. I ramble a lot. And this is a great tool for me to use so that I make sense and sound somewhat intelligent when I speak to real people, lol. This is my sounding board. My only safe outlet for my emotions. And if they can’t handle what I write.. I respect that… but I have asked that they respect me by solving their own problem themselves and not reading what I write.

But again… writing here hasn’t ever really been a problem. I don’t want to give you all the wrong impression. I haven’t had family members breaking down the door with stakes and torches. And I don’t think it’s become a problem now either… it’s just…well… recently with Ashley and the pregnancy…While talking through my emotions about her situation I forgot that… well…family reads here… and Ashley hadn’t finished telling some of the extended family about her situation when I blogged about it. That revelation makes me feel a bit guilty. Mostly because it wasn’t my news to tell. Thankfully Ashley isn’t upset about it. But even so it was a gentle reminder to me. And next time I might be a bit more… censored with that sort of information. At least until the rightful party has had a chance to share in their own time.

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I have had 3 people ask me why I blog today… “Why do you blog? What is the drive?” I guess the best way to answer that is with a list, lol.

I blog…

1. To express my emotions. To say things to the “air” that would be inappropriate to say to someone in person.
2. Because if I said everything on my mind to the faces of the people around me… I’d end up a lonely miserable person… as many of those people would probably never speak to me again. Understandably so.
3. Because I have a lot on my mind and this method allows me to sort through them all and make sense of it all.
4. Because sometimes I am angry… at people…at situations… at nothing at all. And this blog allows me to get that emotion out without hurting the people I love.
5. Because not everyone wants to hear my opinions…but that does not mean I am always willing to keep those opinions to myself. Having this blog gives me an outlet to express them.
6. Because I like to talk but not everyone always wants to listen.
7. Because it makes for a great way to help document my children’s lives. I am hoping when they get older and we look back at the saved stories I have written about them, they’ll be glad to have those memories.

Does that help? :::hehehe:::

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