…I Swear!

I noticed that for the last 3 years I have had at least 40+ entries for August…but this year…not so much, lol. I promise this isn’t going to be the normal. I haven’t been the best blogger over the last few months. Probably in part to that fact that I have been having a very bad time with my illness lately. I have been hiding the mother load of it rather well; but the people who know me best know that something isn’t quite right with me these days. I am off and not quite myself. I am easily angered, easily made to cry and set to be withdrawn. I have been keeping pretty secluded for the most part. I have been scared that too much exposure to the outside world will break down my mental cage and set my demons free. I don’t want to emotionally hurt my friends and family with those demons so I have been keeping a healthy distance.

And partly due too the fact that I have been finding it difficult to write. I am a mixture of conflict. One one hand I have had more then enough material to write about. I mean besides random daily stuff there’s been several big ticket topics like…

* Ashley getting pregnant & the 8 months since that have followed, lol.
* My Grand baby…that will be here very soon.
* Caleb & His Family… which honestly give me enough topics for a whole other blog!!! LOL!!!
* My Mom’s Fall
* My Mom being sick
* Graduations
* Summer
* Birthday’s/Parties
* The Girls and their various dramas… I.E. Having sex…growing older…and so on.
* Drew and the million things a day he does to make me smile, laugh and be amazed.
* Financial Woes & My frustration that we can never seem to stay ahead for more then 6 months.
* Why I feel Like a Loser as a Wife…Mother…and a Person.

So Yeah I have had some decent things to talk about. And I have been very conflicted emotionally about many of these topics. But when I sit down to write I am at a loss for where to start. And then I get into to the worrying. I don’t want to offend people.. my loved ones… with my thoughts and feelings. I mean they know about my illness and they know writing is the best method of therepy for me. But that doesn’t stop the looks, or the attitude or the coments or the judgements. Sometimes no matter how I premise it….no matter how many times in a post I say..”This is just me being emotional or this is just me venting.”…Someone takes offense or gets their feelings hurt. So I sit conflicted.

I could password protect the entries I find…”If-y” But honestly, right now, I think that would be…most of them, lol. And then I feel conflicted about that even. I mean if all I was gonna do is password protect my entries… then technically… a word document saved on my hard drive would work as my blog/journal. But I have this online blog because it helps me work through the feelings. Not only by writing them out but because it gives me the illusion that I am speaking to someone and that I am being heard. So putting a password on the bulk of them isn’t going to work for me. It will just serve to make me resentful.

And I realize I have had this inner battle before and I have posted about it before as well. I guess I have never really come to a conclusion that really resolved my problem. I gave up on the idea of moving my blog and making it anonymous some times ago. I guess when it comes right down to it I have to be brutal with myself. I have to force myself to put my health first and foremost and my apprehension or guilt of offending anyone on the back burner. I have to make myself trust that my loved ones will understand and respect my need to get my emotions off my chest. That they will realize I am not trying to offend them…that’s why I am talking about my feelings here….rather then to them.

But that’s all easier said then done. I am such a wuss, lol. I have always been more of a people pleaser. I dislike conflict and avoid rocking the boat when I can. That has served me well in life but I can’t take the easy non-confrontational, non-rocking-the-boat method on this. I am going to have to do what helps me be healthy mentally. Because without writing I tend to keep everything all bottled up. And then it festers and stews and becomes something ugly and unrecognizable.

::: sigh ::: Please just know… my friends and family…online and off…I never mean to offend, I just need to work through my tangled mind.

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I promised I’d update on the feedback I received about my “disorders and personality” assignment. Well the results were divided…probably about 40/60. While in the general sense my essay was fine…The larger side of the group decided that, when it came to really following the rules, my essay was crap, lol. They basically said I stayed to close to the “safe-line” I didn’t really dig into the guts of my relationships…from my perspective. They said I stayed too close to the “benign surface.” They called me out and said I was afraid to be 100% real about how bad things can really be. They all accused me of being more concerned for the feelings of those around me then being brutally honest in the essay.

And ya know what… I think they might have been on to something. To a point anyways. I mean I really do not think I sugar coated anything in my essay but I can agree that I didn’t get into the guts of it all either. But in my defense I didn’t think they wanted something quite that deep. Apparently I was wrong, lol.

So I have been given a new assignment. Should I wish to take it…and I am supposed to analyze just 1 relationship of mine…it doesn’t matter with who. I can pick anyone. I am supposed to go deep and not play it safe. In my group many of us have realized that one thing that holds us back from being honest and finding a real solution to some problems is the fear that our honesty will hurt someone else. So knowing that, that is a fear of mine too… I don’t know if I am going to do this one. I have to think about it.

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Nichole Lynn. My sweet baby girl. You maybe the youngest of my girls but you are so wise in many other ways. And You look just like me in almost every way when I was your age. You have the same beautiful blue eyes, the same chin… the same cheeks..the same nose…the same smile. Gosh, 14 years… where did the time go? You’re a young lady now. You like boys now!! Lol.

…you came into my life unexpected 15 years ago when I discovered I was pregnant with you. During that pregnancy you kept me on my toes… constantly kicking and moving around. I swore you were building condos and theme parks in there. And when the moment finally came for you to be born you were messing around. My labor with you was very fast and you even had some bruises on your little face from being born so quickly.

After you were born I thought maybe I could relax. After all your older sister Dani was the poster child for perfect baby, lol. But that wasn’t the case. You were quick to remind me this was real life. You showed me what being a mother was really all about. You taught me that I was still new to being a mom and that I didn’t know as much as I thought I did. LOL. It wasn’t all fun.. things didn’t always work the first time. You were a normal healthy child who made demands and cried. I learned so much from you…and I will be forever grateful!!

One of the things you really taught me was to laugh! You make me laugh daily…even today. You remind me each day that sometimes life is hard, sometimes life is sad, and sometimes life sucks. But there are always times to smile, laugh, goof off and love. Being bipolar has been such a tremendous challenge for both of us. You have struggled a lot in the last couple of years. You’ve had your heart broken and have learned that you have to get up and keep going. And through it all… you always find time and reasons to laugh. You’ve taught me life is never so hard, or so sad that you can’t find a reason to laugh!!

In the 35 years I have been on this planet I have never met anyone else who is as loving or as generous as you are. You genuinely love and care for everyone. You see the good in people. You stress and worry over the problems your friends, teachers and neighbors may face in their lives…You’re always looking for ways to help or to just make them smile. You are an angel.

And you are still teaching me things… like tolerance and acceptance… through the friends you acquire and strangers you befriend. You remind me not to be so quick to judge. Sometimes people aren’t what they seem to be at first glance. I am grateful for that reminder. It’s hard to grow up and not become more guarded and I cherish the gift you’ve given me in remembering to give people a chance.

You’re smart, funny, loving… what more could a mom ask for? I am so proud of you sweetheart. I am blessed and honored to be your mom. Even when life is hard and you and I are angry and yelling…I still thank God that you are here with me.

Happy 14th Birthday Sweetheart!
I love you!

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I am completing an assignment suggested to me by a good support group I am in for my disorders. In this assignment I am supposed to take an unbiased and unshaded view of my disorder(s). I am supposed to write a “paper” of sorts and explain…me. What my disorder is, how long I’ve known that I had them, and what I think of my personal relationships because of them. It’s supposed to help me understand myself more. I’ll letcha all know what the feedback was on my forum. So here is my try.

My name is Tammy, I am 35. I have ADHD, Bipolar and possibly a bit of OCD as well.

I was born with AFS which is what caused my other problems. I was diagnosed with ADHD around age 4. I wasn’t officially diagnosed with Bipolar until I was 31 but I was pretty aware of it since I was about 23. I am also very aware of my OCD tendencies, but I have not been officially diagnosed with that as of yet.

As a kid my mom manged my ADHD with a good diet. (Goldstein Diet) I also responded well to coffee. Being that it’s a stimulant, my body reacts to it as an opposite. So I find it calming and relaxing. As a kid I’d have 1 cup before school each day and it worked very well.
I was a smoker as well, which i used as a relaxer, until I quit 4 years ago. Cold turkey, lol. And I have been lucky because it stuck and I have had zero craving to start again.
I was on medication for my Bipolar for 1 year. Since then I have been off medication. I dropped it myself because of financial reasons and also because I didn’t see it really helping all that much. My doctors have since wanted to try some very hardcore drugs and I am not interested in being drugged all day or at being their guinea pig. So I have denied further medications so far. I self manage my disabilities with patience, willpower, and an understand family. My life is very hard. Every day is a battle for me. Some days are small battles and some a large scale nuclear wars.

I am married to Rick. We’ve been together for 16 years, married for 15 years. He is my soul-mate and the love of my life. But we haven’t had an easy marriage. It’s been filled with tons of ups and downs. We’ve been separated 4 times. The first three were trivial and only lasted a couple weeks. The last one was for over a year and was almost the end of us as a couple. My disabilities and his stubbornness make for a daily challenge in our relationship. We’re constantly bouncing around between …Love, Hate, Frustration, Disgust…and back to Love again. I know living with me isn’t easy. I know I am harder on him at times then I should be. So I try to cut him slack when my moods allow it.

I have 4 kids. Ashley (18 yrs), Danielle (15 yrs), Nichole (14 yrs), and Andrew (4 yrs). Nichole has ADD and Bipolar as well. Her and I struggle with our relationship daily as well. We love each other and hate each other. It’s the disability. We feed each other’s fires and help keep each other together as well. It’s hard for both of us and the others who live with us. As for my kids lives in general… I think this disability can be a huge asset at times. My ability to examine, over-analyze, be logical and reason… have all helped me be a well balanced parent. I can see their view points much of the time. I am willing to keep an open mind much of the time and listen to them.
And those are assets that I feel are louder and more vibrant in me because of my disability. Because my disabilities have caused me to double and triple think about my responses to every situation. I am always trying to be careful that I don’t flip out when it’s not needed or that I don’t ignore a situation that really needs attention. I remember how hard my childhood was and I want to be sure theirs isn’t harder then it has to be just because their mom is crazy and lets her disorder fly all over the house.
One of my biggest fears is that my disability will adversely effect their lives. It sounds funny I know… but it’s honest. I never want to be that crazy mom that you read about from the perspective of their 40-something child’s perspective. The one where they say how horrible their childhood was, how scary it was, having a “crazy” mom.

I have only one other family member I can count on and that’s my mom. She’s my biggest support system. But even her and I have trouble at times. Again I am sure it is fueled by my disability and my mother’s stubbornness. Her and I don’t always see eye to eye but we love each other enough to keep trying.

Because of my disability I don’t have many close friends. Not that I am incapable of making friends because that’s not true. I make friends fast and easy. I just don’t let people in too close. I tend to turn into a hermit quiet often, hiding in my home and that makes building new relationships hard. it tends to make new friends wary … because of my sudden and frequent disappearances from the real world. lol.
I do have 2 very close best friends though. one of which also suffers from Bipolar. I value them in my life. They round off the rest of my support system and help me make it through the bad days and weeks.

So yeah… that’s me and my disorders, lol… in a small nutshell anyways.

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When I have bad days like today the biggest struggle for me is not being able to focus on anything for longer then 10 secs at a time. It makes me feel out of control of my own body and mind. Sometimes I get very lucky though and it passes quickly within a few hours. Other times I have to find something that will grab my focus and slow down my mind. More often then not that “thing” is music. Music is a wonderful thing. I can put on my headphones and just forget the rest of the world even exists. I literally let the music carry me into a more relaxed state. It helps me to set life aside for a small time so I can get a grip again.

I currently have just over 2600 songs in my iTunes library. My music likes are so varied and contrasting that the kids often laugh at me. One moment I am drifting to Beethoven, Chopin or Mozart… a few minutes later I am dancing to Country, Pop, Techo, Hiphop and the Oldies and then just as quick I have Metalica, Pink Floyd, Motley Crue & ACDC rocking my chair. I honestly think that anyone…with any tastes…could walk into my house and find at least 50 songs in my library that they love, lol.

I am so grateful for music. I am not completely back to myself yet. But I am feeling better after some zoning with my headphones on. A bit more composed and focused. I hope some sleep will find me feeling almost like myself in the morning.

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Today is a really bad day! I was really hoping it would pass, that it was just a slow starting morning. I hate how I feel right now. I think I am completely screwed for the remainder of the day. I am really hoping that it doesn’t last beyond today.

I can’t think. I can’t focus on anything. I can’t read without re-reading the same sentence at least 10 times. I look and sound distracted in every conversation I try to have, but I am not trying to do anything else at the same time. My mind is moving at three times the speed it normally moves… so were talking like upwards of like 500 mph. I am moody and short-tempered. All morning I have been flipping… no..it’s more like rapid cycling… between panic, tears and anger. All for unknown reasons… well… unless you count the mother of all reasons and that’s that I am Bipolar. I am so unstable today.

I am getting angry at the kids for …everything. My chest hurts…my stomach hurts…my heartbeat keeps racing as if I was running a marathon. It’s taken me over an hour to write this entry. Ugh!!! I hate this feeling.

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…is Anger, Irritation, Annoyance and Fear! And I would bet my arms on the fact that it is the fear that is driving my anger and frustration.

I am very disappointed at Nikki. She’s doing so well in other areas. She’s back on her meds and is taking them regularly without argument. But after today’s stunt, Nikki, is of course back on lock down. I am not angry right now…I am now more numb then anything else. I told her I am not grounding her in the traditional sense. I have hit a wall and I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s now become and issue of needing to protect her vs. needing to punish her. She cannot be trusted to think clearly for herself. She makes bad choices and doesn’t think beyond that very moment of what is going on around her. She also is apparently a bad judge of character. I am basing this off her constant attraction to the “bad kids” in our town. And she cannot tell when she’s being fooled or tricked by other kids either.

I fear for my daughter’s future. I can’t have her velcro’d to me for the rest of her life. At some point she has to learn boundaries and to follow some restrictions/rules. Or else she might as well move into a hospital or jail right now and write off the rest of her life. As a mom I have tried everything I can think of. I have followed what the doctors and even friends have suggested to the letter and yet she can’t seem to behave here at home for anything longer then a few hours.

And I have to be a bit honest… part of me is angry and jealous because Nikki seems to have restraint in reserve for anyone except us. If she goes to my mom’s or her either of her aunt’s houses she’s very well behaved. And when I asked her why she’s able to be so well behaved and reserved over there, She said, “Because it’s not my house and I don’t want to upset them.” Umm, ok. My response to that was, “Well I am glad you don’t want to upset them and I am glad you behaved…but why do you want to upset me and your siblings? Is it fair for you to disrupt this house?” She of course says no… but that doesn’t alter her behavior.

I have found a small immediate fix for the fits that seems to be helping right now. Each time she startes to really lose it and scream.. I point at her sternly and say, “This is grandma’s house..so stop it!” Or “This is Aunt Lynn’s house…so quit!” So far that’s seemed to help her get a grip and remember she can’t explode anywhere. And that she can’t use “being at home” as an excuse to completely let it all go. I am trying to get her to realize that her explosions aren’t allowed anywhere! I really hope this lasts awhile because he freak outs are hard on everyone, not just her.

A fellow parent online sent me this… copied from a book they have on ADD/ADHD:

ADHD behaviors make sense once we realize that they are based on reactions taking only the present moment into account.

It is not that Johnny doesn’t care about the future; it is that the future and the past don’t even exist. Such is the nature of the disability. If you want to make sense out of inexplicable behaviors by someone with ADHD, just ask yourself: “What behavior makes sense if you only had 4 seconds left to live?” For example, if you only had 4 seconds to live, it would make sense to play a videogame rather than do homework. After all, why do homework if college doesn’t exist?

That makes sense to my logical brain. Nikki lives very much in the moment. She doesn’t think about what is going to happen 10-15 minutes from now. And just as often she is acting like nothing happened 10-15 minutes after an event. She very often comes off like she doesn’t care about the past or the future. But at the same time that doesn’t help the problem. I seriously and truly fear for my child’s future. I can’t always be there to protect her. And neither can her aunts or her grandmother. What will happen when she’s in the real world at a real job with real expectations?

And the other side of that problem is the concern weight on my shoulders. I can’t let her out of sight without something happening. It gets old, frustrating and tiring. The other kids are frustrated as well. Everything is contingent on what’s going on with Nikki. Whether or not we can go someplace or do something. Will Nikki be ok? Will she have a melt down in public…again? And if she acts inappropriately…can I trust her at home while I go take care of my errands?

It gets tiring making excuses for my daughter… to family, friends and even strangers. It gets beyond embarrassing and humiliating to be with her in a store or a restaurant when she explodes, for the hundredth time. It gets old constantly feeling like I am bad parent, that I have failed her. It also gets tiring playing blocker and defense between her and the other kids. It’s hard to make them understand she has a disability. All they see is a kid who throws a fit and gets away with it or gets very little punishment for it…in their eyes. And it gets tiring to explain to her that the other kids aren’t out to get her. That they’re just frustrated…like she is.

I keep bouncing back and forth between… I am bad parent, I am not giving her what she needs… and She’s a bad child. I know in my heart she isn’t “bad” but knowing it still doesn’t solve the problems. ::: sigh :::

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