…I Swear!
I noticed that for the last 3 years I have had at least 40+ entries for August…but this year…not so much, lol. I promise this isn’t going to be the normal. I haven’t been the best blogger over the last few months. Probably in part to that fact that I have been having a very bad time with my illness lately. I have been hiding the mother load of it rather well; but the people who know me best know that something isn’t quite right with me these days. I am off and not quite myself. I am easily angered, easily made to cry and set to be withdrawn. I have been keeping pretty secluded for the most part. I have been scared that too much exposure to the outside world will break down my mental cage and set my demons free. I don’t want to emotionally hurt my friends and family with those demons so I have been keeping a healthy distance.
And partly due too the fact that I have been finding it difficult to write. I am a mixture of conflict. One one hand I have had more then enough material to write about. I mean besides random daily stuff there’s been several big ticket topics like…
* Ashley getting pregnant & the 8 months since that have followed, lol.
* My Grand baby…that will be here very soon.
* Caleb & His Family… which honestly give me enough topics for a whole other blog!!! LOL!!!
* My Mom’s Fall
* My Mom being sick
* Graduations
* Summer
* Birthday’s/Parties
* The Girls and their various dramas… I.E. Having sex…growing older…and so on.
* Drew and the million things a day he does to make me smile, laugh and be amazed.
* Financial Woes & My frustration that we can never seem to stay ahead for more then 6 months.
* Why I feel Like a Loser as a Wife…Mother…and a Person.
So Yeah I have had some decent things to talk about. And I have been very conflicted emotionally about many of these topics. But when I sit down to write I am at a loss for where to start. And then I get into to the worrying. I don’t want to offend people.. my loved ones… with my thoughts and feelings. I mean they know about my illness and they know writing is the best method of therepy for me. But that doesn’t stop the looks, or the attitude or the coments or the judgements. Sometimes no matter how I premise it….no matter how many times in a post I say..”This is just me being emotional or this is just me venting.”…Someone takes offense or gets their feelings hurt. So I sit conflicted.
I could password protect the entries I find…”If-y” But honestly, right now, I think that would be…most of them, lol. And then I feel conflicted about that even. I mean if all I was gonna do is password protect my entries… then technically… a word document saved on my hard drive would work as my blog/journal. But I have this online blog because it helps me work through the feelings. Not only by writing them out but because it gives me the illusion that I am speaking to someone and that I am being heard. So putting a password on the bulk of them isn’t going to work for me. It will just serve to make me resentful.
And I realize I have had this inner battle before and I have posted about it before as well. I guess I have never really come to a conclusion that really resolved my problem. I gave up on the idea of moving my blog and making it anonymous some times ago. I guess when it comes right down to it I have to be brutal with myself. I have to force myself to put my health first and foremost and my apprehension or guilt of offending anyone on the back burner. I have to make myself trust that my loved ones will understand and respect my need to get my emotions off my chest. That they will realize I am not trying to offend them…that’s why I am talking about my feelings here….rather then to them.
But that’s all easier said then done. I am such a wuss, lol. I have always been more of a people pleaser. I dislike conflict and avoid rocking the boat when I can. That has served me well in life but I can’t take the easy non-confrontational, non-rocking-the-boat method on this. I am going to have to do what helps me be healthy mentally. Because without writing I tend to keep everything all bottled up. And then it festers and stews and becomes something ugly and unrecognizable.
::: sigh ::: Please just know… my friends and family…online and off…I never mean to offend, I just need to work through my tangled mind.