I am completing an assignment suggested to me by a good support group I am in for my disorders. In this assignment I am supposed to take an unbiased and unshaded view of my disorder(s). I am supposed to write a “paper” of sorts and explain…me. What my disorder is, how long I’ve known that I had them, and what I think of my personal relationships because of them. It’s supposed to help me understand myself more. I’ll letcha all know what the feedback was on my forum. So here is my try.
My name is Tammy, I am 35. I have ADHD, Bipolar and possibly a bit of OCD as well.
I was born with AFS which is what caused my other problems. I was diagnosed with ADHD around age 4. I wasn’t officially diagnosed with Bipolar until I was 31 but I was pretty aware of it since I was about 23. I am also very aware of my OCD tendencies, but I have not been officially diagnosed with that as of yet.
As a kid my mom manged my ADHD with a good diet. (Goldstein Diet) I also responded well to coffee. Being that it’s a stimulant, my body reacts to it as an opposite. So I find it calming and relaxing. As a kid I’d have 1 cup before school each day and it worked very well.
I was a smoker as well, which i used as a relaxer, until I quit 4 years ago. Cold turkey, lol. And I have been lucky because it stuck and I have had zero craving to start again.
I was on medication for my Bipolar for 1 year. Since then I have been off medication. I dropped it myself because of financial reasons and also because I didn’t see it really helping all that much. My doctors have since wanted to try some very hardcore drugs and I am not interested in being drugged all day or at being their guinea pig. So I have denied further medications so far. I self manage my disabilities with patience, willpower, and an understand family. My life is very hard. Every day is a battle for me. Some days are small battles and some a large scale nuclear wars.
I am married to Rick. We’ve been together for 16 years, married for 15 years. He is my soul-mate and the love of my life. But we haven’t had an easy marriage. It’s been filled with tons of ups and downs. We’ve been separated 4 times. The first three were trivial and only lasted a couple weeks. The last one was for over a year and was almost the end of us as a couple. My disabilities and his stubbornness make for a daily challenge in our relationship. We’re constantly bouncing around between …Love, Hate, Frustration, Disgust…and back to Love again. I know living with me isn’t easy. I know I am harder on him at times then I should be. So I try to cut him slack when my moods allow it.
I have 4 kids. Ashley (18 yrs), Danielle (15 yrs), Nichole (14 yrs), and Andrew (4 yrs). Nichole has ADD and Bipolar as well. Her and I struggle with our relationship daily as well. We love each other and hate each other. It’s the disability. We feed each other’s fires and help keep each other together as well. It’s hard for both of us and the others who live with us. As for my kids lives in general… I think this disability can be a huge asset at times. My ability to examine, over-analyze, be logical and reason… have all helped me be a well balanced parent. I can see their view points much of the time. I am willing to keep an open mind much of the time and listen to them.
And those are assets that I feel are louder and more vibrant in me because of my disability. Because my disabilities have caused me to double and triple think about my responses to every situation. I am always trying to be careful that I don’t flip out when it’s not needed or that I don’t ignore a situation that really needs attention. I remember how hard my childhood was and I want to be sure theirs isn’t harder then it has to be just because their mom is crazy and lets her disorder fly all over the house.
One of my biggest fears is that my disability will adversely effect their lives. It sounds funny I know… but it’s honest. I never want to be that crazy mom that you read about from the perspective of their 40-something child’s perspective. The one where they say how horrible their childhood was, how scary it was, having a “crazy” mom.
I have only one other family member I can count on and that’s my mom. She’s my biggest support system. But even her and I have trouble at times. Again I am sure it is fueled by my disability and my mother’s stubbornness. Her and I don’t always see eye to eye but we love each other enough to keep trying.
Because of my disability I don’t have many close friends. Not that I am incapable of making friends because that’s not true. I make friends fast and easy. I just don’t let people in too close. I tend to turn into a hermit quiet often, hiding in my home and that makes building new relationships hard. it tends to make new friends wary … because of my sudden and frequent disappearances from the real world. lol.
I do have 2 very close best friends though. one of which also suffers from Bipolar. I value them in my life. They round off the rest of my support system and help me make it through the bad days and weeks.
So yeah… that’s me and my disorders, lol… in a small nutshell anyways.