…is Anger, Irritation, Annoyance and Fear! And I would bet my arms on the fact that it is the fear that is driving my anger and frustration.
I am very disappointed at Nikki. She’s doing so well in other areas. She’s back on her meds and is taking them regularly without argument. But after today’s stunt, Nikki, is of course back on lock down. I am not angry right now…I am now more numb then anything else. I told her I am not grounding her in the traditional sense. I have hit a wall and I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s now become and issue of needing to protect her vs. needing to punish her. She cannot be trusted to think clearly for herself. She makes bad choices and doesn’t think beyond that very moment of what is going on around her. She also is apparently a bad judge of character. I am basing this off her constant attraction to the “bad kids” in our town. And she cannot tell when she’s being fooled or tricked by other kids either.
I fear for my daughter’s future. I can’t have her velcro’d to me for the rest of her life. At some point she has to learn boundaries and to follow some restrictions/rules. Or else she might as well move into a hospital or jail right now and write off the rest of her life. As a mom I have tried everything I can think of. I have followed what the doctors and even friends have suggested to the letter and yet she can’t seem to behave here at home for anything longer then a few hours.
And I have to be a bit honest… part of me is angry and jealous because Nikki seems to have restraint in reserve for anyone except us. If she goes to my mom’s or her either of her aunt’s houses she’s very well behaved. And when I asked her why she’s able to be so well behaved and reserved over there, She said, “Because it’s not my house and I don’t want to upset them.” Umm, ok. My response to that was, “Well I am glad you don’t want to upset them and I am glad you behaved…but why do you want to upset me and your siblings? Is it fair for you to disrupt this house?” She of course says no… but that doesn’t alter her behavior.
I have found a small immediate fix for the fits that seems to be helping right now. Each time she startes to really lose it and scream.. I point at her sternly and say, “This is grandma’s house..so stop it!” Or “This is Aunt Lynn’s house…so quit!” So far that’s seemed to help her get a grip and remember she can’t explode anywhere. And that she can’t use “being at home” as an excuse to completely let it all go. I am trying to get her to realize that her explosions aren’t allowed anywhere! I really hope this lasts awhile because he freak outs are hard on everyone, not just her.
A fellow parent online sent me this… copied from a book they have on ADD/ADHD:
ADHD behaviors make sense once we realize that they are based on reactions taking only the present moment into account.
It is not that Johnny doesn’t care about the future; it is that the future and the past don’t even exist. Such is the nature of the disability. If you want to make sense out of inexplicable behaviors by someone with ADHD, just ask yourself: “What behavior makes sense if you only had 4 seconds left to live?” For example, if you only had 4 seconds to live, it would make sense to play a videogame rather than do homework. After all, why do homework if college doesn’t exist?
That makes sense to my logical brain. Nikki lives very much in the moment. She doesn’t think about what is going to happen 10-15 minutes from now. And just as often she is acting like nothing happened 10-15 minutes after an event. She very often comes off like she doesn’t care about the past or the future. But at the same time that doesn’t help the problem. I seriously and truly fear for my child’s future. I can’t always be there to protect her. And neither can her aunts or her grandmother. What will happen when she’s in the real world at a real job with real expectations?
And the other side of that problem is the concern weight on my shoulders. I can’t let her out of sight without something happening. It gets old, frustrating and tiring. The other kids are frustrated as well. Everything is contingent on what’s going on with Nikki. Whether or not we can go someplace or do something. Will Nikki be ok? Will she have a melt down in public…again? And if she acts inappropriately…can I trust her at home while I go take care of my errands?
It gets tiring making excuses for my daughter… to family, friends and even strangers. It gets beyond embarrassing and humiliating to be with her in a store or a restaurant when she explodes, for the hundredth time. It gets old constantly feeling like I am bad parent, that I have failed her. It also gets tiring playing blocker and defense between her and the other kids. It’s hard to make them understand she has a disability. All they see is a kid who throws a fit and gets away with it or gets very little punishment for it…in their eyes. And it gets tiring to explain to her that the other kids aren’t out to get her. That they’re just frustrated…like she is.
I keep bouncing back and forth between… I am bad parent, I am not giving her what she needs… and She’s a bad child. I know in my heart she isn’t “bad” but knowing it still doesn’t solve the problems. ::: sigh :::