I don’t know if I have said this here yet or not. But ya know it makes it really hard to ignore your marital issues when I am faced with the things Ashley is going through. Her boyfriend was treating her badly in many many ways. And a good portion of them were things that I deal with and tolerate each day myself from my old man. I have been doing my best to support and encourage her. So she doesn’t cheapen her self worth for a man… any man. So she doesn’t allow a man to disrespect her…ever! I have been reminding her that she’s worth more and deserves more.
And then I find myself staring in the proverbial mirror and realizing that, pretty much everything I am telling her not to do or tolerate, I am. And have been for a very long time. It’s a major wake up call for me. In these last 3-4 months I have come to really see my life, who I am, and what I allow people to do to me. I can see now all of the things I ignore or over-look. My drive to “keep the peace” and to avoid the constant confrontation and fighting has allowed me to walk around wearing blinders. I don’t see… or more honestly…I choose to see 100% of the problems.
But what message have I sent my girls by doing so?? I feel like I have betrayed them. Like I have given them false impressions of what a woman should be in a relationship with a man. It makes me angry at myself and sad to think I may have taught them that it’s ok for your man to be rude, call you names, be waited on, verbally threaten you when the mood suits him and to have complete control of the direction your lives go into. Even if that direction is the poor house. That it’s ok for him to cuss at you and your future children, to make unreasonable demands about the child… such as..not letting them co-exist in the same room… without telling them to, “Shut the fuck up and get out of here. That it’s ok to allow him to be manipulative and hurtful. And that your role is to suck it up, internalize it, smile and keep on trucking through with each day.
NO!!! That shit is NOT ok. I don’t want my daughters to ever have to live like that! They deserve better!! I deserve better!