A lot has been going on around here. I have been very reluctant to come and blog about it all. I have 1000 emotions and I am not sure where to even begin sorting them out. In a bulleted format…
- My mom had an accident just over a week ago. She fell and doesn’t remember it, or getting back up and getting home. She really doesn’t even remember calling me. When I took her to the ER they also discovered she had Hydrocephalus. (The short explanation of what that is…is…water and pressure on the brain.) They aren’t sure if this is something she’s had since childhood or a new development. She has to go for tests next week so hopefully she’ll know more soon. My mom isn’t taking this news well at all… and while that doesn’t surprise me (especially since I don’t think anyone could take news like this well.)… I am scared and worried for her. I feel helpless.
- Nikki is having more out of control days then she has good days and that’s causing additional stress on our family… and on my already shaking marriage. I am dealing with emotions ranging from anger to sympathy for Nikki. I don’t know what else I could possible do to help her. She’s got to start taking control of herself, her emotions and her behaviors. She turns 14 soon and that’s playing a big part in my ever-rising frustration level. I mean I know she has a disability.. but so do I. I can only be so patient and understanding before my own issues start to get in my way.
Yesterday was so bad I had to take Drew and leave the house because I was feeling some serious homicidal vibes. All I could see was rage when I looked at her and I wanted to hurt her. So I did the big girl thing.. and left. Which as I mentioned only served to place another ton of stress on my marriage.
- Speaking of my marriage… it’s on very shaking ground right now. If someone asked me today what I thought our future held I’d have to say… it doesn’t look good that we’ll have a future.. at least not together. I love Rick with all my heart. But sadly I am finding that love isn’t nearly enough. Love isn’t a fix all nor is it an eraser. Love can’t solve our parenting issues, or the money problems, or close the rift that’s popped up between us. And that rift keeps us from really dealing with anything of any importance or value. Rick thinks ignoring it or giving it a 5 minute conversation solves everything. I, on the other hand, am tired of being the only one who wants to really solve our problems instead of shoving them away in a drawer. And I want more then just love. We’re not a team anymore…and I am now beginning to wonder if we ever really were. I find myself thinking..”What the hell am I doing??”
And I’ve already made up my mind… if things go bad… I am not sticking around here. I am moving…far away. Maybe Kentucky, or Montana, or Colorado. Somewhere away from here. I just can’t stay here in this town or even close to it. We’ll just keep playing the same roundie-round games over and over. The same ones that we’ve been playing for 15 years. I mean we’ve been separated 4 times. Granted the first 3 times were for only a few weeks and mostly were due to my Bi-polar freak outs. But the 4th time was a dozy.. we were apart for over a year and the problems that made it necessary were real. And ya know I find myself re-visiting many of the same problems and thats making me angry because I don’t see how we could have made it this far without really solving anything. I am angry that he doesn’t see to be bothered by that either.
And with many of the old problems that have risen back to the surface, Rick and I, just do not see eye to eye about them… STILL. His idea of dealing with things is too ignore it all. And I am running our of steam very fast. I just don’t think I can keep going like this anymore. Ya know through everything we have been through over the past 15 yrs… it always felt “worth it” to me. But lately I find myself numb and without any feeling at all. I am too tired to care about most of it anymore. I find myself thinking.. I don’t want to be 80 and still fighting over this same crap. And I am starting to want to leave… I want to go away…somewhere else.
So that’s part of whats been going on. It’s not really a pretty part of my life. But that’s my life right now.
I am sorry to hear that things are so uncertain for you right now. Between the stress of your moms health, and your marriage, you have a full plate. Hang in there!
I happen to think Alabama is a pretty nice place to live. And, if you happen to settle in the northern part, I can offer two GREAT friends for the current kids - and kiddo to be [Hayden would only be, what, about 5 months older].
I’m probably not the best person to talk marriage advice with, as I’m more on the side of “if it’s more bad than good, it’s not fair to the children to stay together”…my childhood was rough, and I think a lot of my acting out issues, and those of my sister, could be attributed to the hell that was our home life with parents who argued all the time. I know my mom stayed because, as you said of Ashley, she wanted and hoped for the best. But, sometimes the best can’t be found where you want it. Many hugs to you and the family!