He says:
* He needs my emotional/mental support. To know that in the end it’s him and I against the world.
* He needs time for him and I to spend together alone. Maybe to go out together without the kids more often.
* He says he feels like I’ll make time for everyone but him.
* He says I don’t listen to his feelings and needs.
And me…I don’t know what to say to that. I feel like if I say anything other then just, “Ok” It’ll end up being another fight. Those statements make me so sad. In my eyes, from my perspective, I feel like I am doing all I can to give him those things. Especially for the first 2 items up there. I don’t know what else I can do. And I feel like if I say my side of things to him he’ll do what he always does… and that’s to shut down and say, “Whatever… See!! You don’t take my feelings seriously.”
My response to those…
1. I thought I was making it clear that we were a team. That it was he and I against the world. I don’t know what more I could do. I don’t know what to change or what to say.
2. I would love more alone time. I would love me “you and me” time. I don’t know what more I can do for this either. The reality is we have 4 kids and very little money. So sometimes in order to be alone it would mean simply going for a walk, or for a cup of coffee, or to the library.. or something else that costs next to nothing. Other side of me says.. well maybe instead of buying another RC car you should consider taking me out for dinner and a movie. I feel like you’ve laid this responsibility completely in my lap and it’s my job to be sure we get “alone” time… and that you will only do your part of… showing up. But the planning is all on me. I also feel like we have to spend money in order for it to qualify as… good enough… alone time.
And another thing… in the house on a regular day. I try to start conversations and I try to put myself into “your little world” so we can spend time together. But more often then I would like you push me away because you are busy. You don’t want to talk. You don’t want to even give me a kiss. So I am depressed and discouraged. I don’t know what to change or do differently. I don’t understand what is wrong with the effort I am giving?
3. This one makes me especially sad. Firstly because I thought I was spending time with him on a daily basis. And secondly because I rarely go out with anyone else. And I mean RARELY. I might go to my mom’s or for coffee… or out with a friend… MAYBE 2, 3 or 4 times a year. Sometimes maybe 5 times a year. If you count the camping we did last summer… then in 2007 I might have gone someplace without him… 10 times in the course of the year. So what is he saying?? The 300+ days last year that we were together wasn’t good enough?? and the (less then 50 days) time i spent camping or having coffee with my mom.. was somehow denying him my love and attention? I am not being sarcastic I am really truly confused and am asking for it to be spelled out to me like I am a 2 year old. I don’t know what more I can give.
4. I think I do listen to his feelings and needs. But I also think he and I do not communicate properly. I don’t know how to fix this. So he’ll feel like I am listening.