Why is it so difficult for my husband to have some tact when dealing with the kids and their issues? I just don’t understand him or his thought processes. He makes me so unbelievably angry with what he says to them; I can only imagine the level of anger that they themselves must dealing with. Instead of making his arguments valid he uses the “forbid” card, threatens them and gives ultimatums. He undermines all the work I have made with the kids… each time he pulls a power trip on them. Weeks of gaining their trust and getting them to lower their defensive guards are flush in seconds once he starts yelling and threatening them.

Last night Ashley came back from going out. She was hanging out up at Gala and ran into Caleb and his family… who were bowling their league. She ended up talking with Tammi for quite some time about her and Caleb. Ashley really wants to give it a second try. She wants to be sure …for her sake and her daughter’s sake…before she walks away from him forever. Now I don’t like it much either but I have to respect it. It’s not my life. It’s not my choice.

During all of this talk Ashley mentioned if they do get back together, having Caleb, spend the night here occasionally after the baby is born. I don’t like this either…at all. And Ashley knows how I feel. I don’t trust them. I don’t trust Caleb. But I wasn’t going to fight with her over it now. It’s a moot point dependent on many other things and it makes no logic sense to argue about it now. Besides she is 18 and for the sake of my granddaughter..IF Caleb was really trying I think I could meet him half way. But again…it’s too early to know what’s going to happen so why worry about it or fight over it now??

Rick on the other hand flipped out and started yelling at Ashley about it. “He will NOT be sleeping here. Period!” He was being a Brut for no reason. He played the “Forbidden” card…which was stupid and is sure to make her go do the one thing we’d rather she not do. He threatened her and tossed out several ultimatums and “If you do, I will…[ insert stupidity here ]” comments. Then when she argued back he pulled me into the argument demanding I “side” with him. And when I didn’t immediately jump up and start yelling at Ashley as well he took his aggression and anger out on me and started yelling about how I always side with the kids and I never support him.

Of course Ashley told him not to pull me into it. It wasn’t my fight. And then when he wasn’t winning he ran off to bed. Essentially starting a huge fight to run away leaving it hanging in the middle. I didn’t want the fight to happen in the first place for medical reasons. Ashley is 29 weeks pregnant. She doesn’t need her blood pressure to fly up. Just yesterday she was telling me she’s starting to lose her muscus plug. Now most likely it’s no big deal but surely fighting and stress won’t help the situation.

And of course like most problems or situations in this house. I am now angry at his response. I am angry that even after I asked him twice to chill and not start arguing with her right now for medical reasons… he kept on going…telling me several times how he didn’t care. I am angry that HE started a fight and then when he was losing he dragged me into it. I am angry that when he dragged me into it and I didn’t respond the way he wanted then he started fighting with me and pushing off his aggression on me. It kinda reminded me of a temper tantrum that one of the kids might throw.

So in the end now… as far as he’s concerned I am the bad guy and everything is my fault… fan-fucking-tastic. I love sitting here minding my own business and having him blame shit HE does… on me. Wonderful!!

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I have had a headache on and off for the last 4 days and it’s back this morning…Ugh! It sucks. The humidity sucks too, lol. I uploaded a few pictures I had from The 4th. You can see them on my Flickr. I didn’t take as many as I normally would have. My batteries died in my camera. Well it’s time for me to scoot…we’re going to the library. Have a great day!

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I hope everyone’s 4th was good. We had a great 2 days hanging with friends and relaxing. I have some photos to upload later on. :D

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…is Anger, Irritation, Annoyance and Fear! And I would bet my arms on the fact that it is the fear that is driving my anger and frustration.

I am very disappointed at Nikki. She’s doing so well in other areas. She’s back on her meds and is taking them regularly without argument. But after today’s stunt, Nikki, is of course back on lock down. I am not angry right now…I am now more numb then anything else. I told her I am not grounding her in the traditional sense. I have hit a wall and I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s now become and issue of needing to protect her vs. needing to punish her. She cannot be trusted to think clearly for herself. She makes bad choices and doesn’t think beyond that very moment of what is going on around her. She also is apparently a bad judge of character. I am basing this off her constant attraction to the “bad kids” in our town. And she cannot tell when she’s being fooled or tricked by other kids either.

I fear for my daughter’s future. I can’t have her velcro’d to me for the rest of her life. At some point she has to learn boundaries and to follow some restrictions/rules. Or else she might as well move into a hospital or jail right now and write off the rest of her life. As a mom I have tried everything I can think of. I have followed what the doctors and even friends have suggested to the letter and yet she can’t seem to behave here at home for anything longer then a few hours.

And I have to be a bit honest… part of me is angry and jealous because Nikki seems to have restraint in reserve for anyone except us. If she goes to my mom’s or her either of her aunt’s houses she’s very well behaved. And when I asked her why she’s able to be so well behaved and reserved over there, She said, “Because it’s not my house and I don’t want to upset them.” Umm, ok. My response to that was, “Well I am glad you don’t want to upset them and I am glad you behaved…but why do you want to upset me and your siblings? Is it fair for you to disrupt this house?” She of course says no… but that doesn’t alter her behavior.

I have found a small immediate fix for the fits that seems to be helping right now. Each time she startes to really lose it and scream.. I point at her sternly and say, “This is grandma’s house..so stop it!” Or “This is Aunt Lynn’s house…so quit!” So far that’s seemed to help her get a grip and remember she can’t explode anywhere. And that she can’t use “being at home” as an excuse to completely let it all go. I am trying to get her to realize that her explosions aren’t allowed anywhere! I really hope this lasts awhile because he freak outs are hard on everyone, not just her.

A fellow parent online sent me this… copied from a book they have on ADD/ADHD:

ADHD behaviors make sense once we realize that they are based on reactions taking only the present moment into account.

It is not that Johnny doesn’t care about the future; it is that the future and the past don’t even exist. Such is the nature of the disability. If you want to make sense out of inexplicable behaviors by someone with ADHD, just ask yourself: “What behavior makes sense if you only had 4 seconds left to live?” For example, if you only had 4 seconds to live, it would make sense to play a videogame rather than do homework. After all, why do homework if college doesn’t exist?

That makes sense to my logical brain. Nikki lives very much in the moment. She doesn’t think about what is going to happen 10-15 minutes from now. And just as often she is acting like nothing happened 10-15 minutes after an event. She very often comes off like she doesn’t care about the past or the future. But at the same time that doesn’t help the problem. I seriously and truly fear for my child’s future. I can’t always be there to protect her. And neither can her aunts or her grandmother. What will happen when she’s in the real world at a real job with real expectations?

And the other side of that problem is the concern weight on my shoulders. I can’t let her out of sight without something happening. It gets old, frustrating and tiring. The other kids are frustrated as well. Everything is contingent on what’s going on with Nikki. Whether or not we can go someplace or do something. Will Nikki be ok? Will she have a melt down in public…again? And if she acts inappropriately…can I trust her at home while I go take care of my errands?

It gets tiring making excuses for my daughter… to family, friends and even strangers. It gets beyond embarrassing and humiliating to be with her in a store or a restaurant when she explodes, for the hundredth time. It gets old constantly feeling like I am bad parent, that I have failed her. It also gets tiring playing blocker and defense between her and the other kids. It’s hard to make them understand she has a disability. All they see is a kid who throws a fit and gets away with it or gets very little punishment for it…in their eyes. And it gets tiring to explain to her that the other kids aren’t out to get her. That they’re just frustrated…like she is.

I keep bouncing back and forth between… I am bad parent, I am not giving her what she needs… and She’s a bad child. I know in my heart she isn’t “bad” but knowing it still doesn’t solve the problems. ::: sigh :::

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Today my daughter Nikki did it again. She asked to go bike riding with her friend Amanda around our houses. I told her not to cross the main road and that she didn’t have permission to be stopping off at anyone else’s house. I told her to be back by 2pm to check in. In the meantime I had to run up to the library and the video store. I called the house at 2pm expecting Nikki to pick up the phone. She wasn’t there. I kept trying while finishing my errands. Finally at 3pm I managed to track her down.

That’s when I found out:

1. She claimed to not have a time to check in. (Which never happens. I am very strict in most ways. I am on top of my kids a lot. They ALWAYS have a time to check in.)She came home, saw no one was here and left. The rules are to stay home and call me if they get here and I am not here. That hardly ever happens. I am currently a SAHM and I am almost always home, or the kids are with me.

2. She went to a house I specifically told her not to go to…which was accorss the main road.

3. She lied to me twice about going to this house.

4. The boy who lives there claims that they were going to have sex. He told this to one of my other daughters. He wasn’t disrespectful enough to say that to me. He and I have talked. He is too old for my daughter. He is 18 and I have told him if I find that he’s touched her sexually I will presh charges. And my husband will probably kick his ass too.

This sort of thing happens EACH time I let Nikki off of grounding. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve had her hospitalized, she’s on medication, I quit my job and we took a major income cut here at home so I could be here 24/7 to keep an eye on all of my kids…her especially. 90% of the time she goes No where without family supervision. … And I am calling her doctor tomorrow to get her in for a female check up and to be placed on birth control. I can’t handle having a pregnant 14 yr old.

When I asked her why she did this.. why she broke the rules… AGAIN. (Of course this was after she stopped lying.) She said, “Amanda wanted to go there. I was only there for like 2 seconds” I asked her if I told her not to go there at all and she said, “Yes”

She doesn’t accept responsibility for her own behaviors or actions. She always blames someone else. She also expects that once the conversation is over with… it’s erased and we are all gonna move on. Case in point 10 minutes after finishing this discussion her older sister, Dani, asked to go out for an hour and Nikki said, “Can I go over to Amanda’s??” When I told her no she said, “Why? What did I do?” and “That’s not fair!”

Any ideas?? I have tried everything and I can’t seem to get her to follow a few simple rules.

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What is it about headphones that screams to my family… “Go bug mom!!” The second I put my headphones on to listen to music everyone needs me, wants me, or just has to ask me something…right now! I end up missing all but small snip-its of my music. It’s irritating!! I’ll take them off for awhile thinking ok maybe they’ll settle back down…and they do. As long as I leave the headphones off..15, 20, 45 minutes go by and no one wants me. So I once again put them on and it starts all over! Mom, mommy…Tammy…Mom!! Ugh!! And if that wasn’t bad enough then they’re also getting snippy with me because they were talking to me and I didn’t hear them… so they have to repeat themselves. God Forbid.

I just want to scream… Go Away!! Which sounds horrible. But It makes me angry that the only way I can listen to music is with headphones because everyone has their volumes cranked. The TV is too loud, my husband PC is way too loud, The kids are making lots of noise with their various stuff. Most of the time I can’t think because it’s too loud. So I can’t listen to the music without headphones…my music would just mingle with the rest of the noise and sound yucky.

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Pregnancy Boom at Gloucester High

I was shocked and disgusted when I heard about this story. 17 girls are pregnant. All under the age of 16. Seems these stupid children made a pact to get pregnant and raise their children together. I can’t imagine what these girls were thinking. And I know they’ll feel differently about this little game as soon as they’re rocking screaming children to sleep at 3 am and applying lotion to their stretchmarks.

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